THE UHURU HANDSHAKE

Hold on. I am not talking about the major HANDSHAKEbetween President Uhuru and Baba Raila Odinga, which happened at the steps of Harambee House. Not that one.

I am talking about the normal handshake between Uhuru and a victim.

I don’t know any other person, south of the Sahara, who enjoys a handshake the way Uhuru does.

Here is how a typical Uhuru handshake goes:

 

1. Mark your victim from about 7 meters away.

This gives you ample time to plan how to attack your victim. Don’t let them off your radar for a second.

 

2. Stretch Your Hand out, at a distance of 5 Meters from your Victim

At 5 meters, make sure you have the advantage of outstretching your hand, before the other person does, and smile broadly to disarm your victim. Always remember that the element of surprise gives you an upper hand. They shouldn’t know what is in store for them.

 

3. At One Meter, Raise Your hand up like one who is about to Administer a Kidero Slap

At about 1 meter away, raise your hand high (like one who is about to administer a Kidero slap on somebody), lean forward a bit, then bring your hand down in full force, grabbing the hand of your unsuspecting victim in a vice-like firm grip.

 

4. shake Your Victim’s hand Strongly.

For about two minutes, shake the hand of your victim, the way strong winds shake a hapless leaf on a windy day; of course, while smiling and uttering a few niceties in an intimidating voice: “Sema ndugu yangu.”…”How are you my brother?” …”You good?” Go on until they unknowingly offer some apologies for their past mistakes.

 

5. Stun Your Victim With the Strength of Your handshake

 

By the time you let go of their hand, ensure your victim is left wondering whether that was a handshake or an arm wrestling match.

President Uhuru is quite some character. isn’t he? Besides being “Yule msee wa mashati Kali Kali” Uhuru is also “yule msee wa handshake za nguvu.” Literally.

Woe unto you if you forget and shake his hand when one of your fingers is hurt.

The man enjoys his handshakes so much. By the way, has anybody thought of having psychological counselors check on Uhuru, just to see how he is fairing on currently?

Guy might be suffering silently, now that people don’t shake hands anymore during this Covid-19 season.