21 GUN SALUTE FOR THIS GOVERNMENT

Commander-in-chief Uhuru Kenyatta.
Uhuru in combat gear

Did I hear somebody say that this govt is not working hard enough to secure our borders and grow the economy? Such a statement constitutes a crime worse than treason! Everybody knows that we have never had such a dynamic duo at the helm of post-independent Kenya like the current leadership. The two are a direct gift to Kenyans, from heaven, and there is no doubt that this country is about to go places under their competent leadership. We all remember them as the tweeting duo that came into office with their matching shirt-sleeves rolled up as they took selfies with the crowds. And all along they have exuded such a strong brotherly bond in public sending a clear message that all is well in the house of JUBILEE.What a fresh break from the past! They even told us that they could run the digital govt via Skype and guess what? They were damn serious about it because that is what they have exactly done! With such ingenuity, it will not be a surprise if we send our first batch of astronauts to space sooner than the year 2030.

In matters security, no president has ever scared criminal gangs and terrorists by regularly donning the full combat gear of commander-in-chief, in the full glare of the cameras, the way president Uhuru does! What some common mortals don’t understand is that the mere sight of the commander-in-chief in combat gear makes radicalized terrorist groups like Al-shabaab shit and pee in their baggy trousers as they scatter into the four winds! Isn’t it very humbling to see such a powerful individual come down from his lofty perch to share a common meal with mere mortals somewhere in the Kenyan coast?

The able deputy president’s hard-working record is an open secret for anyone who cares to see or hear. Hasn’t this guy single-handedly contained the most troublesome man within the borders of the country by imposing a 24-hour political curfew around him that ensures he doesn’t utter any more “Vitendawili” which are likely to make the security situation deteriorate even more? For easy identification of this trouble maker, he even has new hash tags for him. If he doesn’t call him #YuleJamaaWaVitendawili” he calls him #YuleJamaaTulishinda” and everybody easily understands who he is talking about, for security purposes. How clever! By so doing, he has done all of us a big favor and gained respect from across board.

The humble deputy commander-in-chief also knows how to mingle well with common mortals. He has been spotted severally helping himself to pieces of roasted meat by the roadside in very remote areas of the country! But perhaps the most humbling attribute of the deputy president is his ability to lead Kenyans in weeping, whenever the Al Shabaab butcher innocent citizens. He recently proved, when he wept in a church, that no Kenyan can match his skills in any public competition of crying a river. Man! doesn’t he look cute when he cries!

ruto_crys11032013In this photo, Mr. William Ruto weeps in a church.

The dynamic duo has ensured that they have put another a very competent duo in charge of the homeland security. The cabinet secretary running the internal security dockets, one Bw. Joe Ole Lenku, in a culinary expert who has a rare gift of cooking important goofs when handling the bothersome Kenyan media. Remember how competently he handled the Westgate saga? His comrade in arms against nnotoriouscriminal gangs, hell bent to cause havoc in the country is the Inspector general of police Mr. Kimaiyo. The last thing criminal gangs and terrorists would want is to be put under “sieke” by Kimaiyo’s “poys.”What this man sees while seated, very few Kenyans can see while standing on top of KICC. For instance, he is the only man in Kenya who happened to see a dangerous explosive disguised as a bulb in the Java cafe in JKIA some time back. Like a good general, he is always ready to defend the conduct of his “poys” come rain come sunshine.

Nobody can say that the Kenyan police force, assisted by our able military have not done a good job in containing criminal elements that have been casually killing our men and women in uniform in remote cattle rustling areas like Kapedo, Mt. Elgon and Baragoi. Recently, the forces accomplished a rare feat by killing a notorious gang of 80 animals in kapedo. Do you know how difficult it is to kill well trained and war hardened cows and goats? If a cat, as small as it is, has nine lives; just imagine how many lives a well bred and fed bull would have! You wouldn’t want to imagine a creature standing on four legs furiously shooting at you; and you have sprayed all rounds of ammunition in your gun on it but still it is not dropping dead! Most of you will faint before you load your gun for the second time. But our gallant soldiers killed all these dangerous creatures in one day and miraculously suffered no casualties at all!

The other day, the Al-shabaab terrorists ambushed a bus travelling from Mandera to Kenya and shot “a few” (Just 28) innocent Kenyans at close range using Ak-47 rifles. For those who don’t know what this iconic rifle, which fires 600 rounds per minute, can do; a military expert had this to say in reference to a bullet fired from this monster of a rifle: “The impact is like being hit by a truck. The bullet will enter your body shattering bone and tearing muscle, simultaneously, leaving poisonous infection behind it. It will leave a hole the size of a dime going in and a dinner plate as it leaves.” The inventor of the AK-47, Mikhail Kalashnikov, who died last December aged 94 was once overheard saying that “I invented it for the protection of the Motherland. I have no regrets and bear no responsibility for how politicians have used it,”

Now you can understand why these innocent Kenyans died through the fastest and least painful means. It can also be understood why journalists found pieces of skull and human teeth, belonging to people who were very healthy up to a couple of days ago, scattered all over the place where this macabre massacre took place. However, true to the spirit of “Kusema na kutenda” the Kenyan forces responded within the shortest time possible, tracking down and not only killing 100 of the terrorists but also destroying two of their hideouts. Never mind that this can only be possible if the Kenyan forces knew all along where these hideouts were and the terrorists were sitting ducks. Never mind that, just like in the westgate saga, nobody saw the bodies of the dead terrorists because, in a feat of rage, the Kenyan forces are said to have vaporized and scattered them into thin air!

If you still think that this government has not been working, picture this. Under the astute leadership of the duo at the top, Kenya is the only African country that has managed to rally the whole continent against a neo-colonialist monster, in the name of ICC, that is headquartered at The Hague. You see this is not your usual Kibera or Milimani law-court but a real monster created by neo-colonialists to undermine the sovereignty of African countries which have been doing so well in managing their internal conflicts. Nobody invited this monster here in the first place; but the court has this funny habit of poking its nose where it shouldn’t especially when a few common mortals (1300 only) are killed in a friendly exchange of fire and arrows after a successful general election, in a respectable African country; which is an understandable African ritual. Absolutely nobody has ever uttered the words “Don,t be vague go to Hague” in this country!

To prove them wrong, recently the son of the soil publicly stripped himself off the powers bestowed upon him by the constitution, as president of the republic of Kenya, and transferred them to his number two before making a surprise visit to the Hague to show the monster that he is not scared of it at all; after they summoned him. Since he knew very well that the ICC is targeting the Kenyan sovereignty, he decided to travel light by leaving it behind in the safe hands of his deputy. You see while he was away, his number two was to act as president (Which is actually his job), a rare feat that wowed all of us the common mortals! Which African president has ever done such a thing? Of course you don’t expect Mugabe or even Mseveni to do that! To show the court how insignificant it is, he uttered not even a single word while in their courtroom. Whenever they directed a question at him, a single snap of his fingers was enough to send his English lawyers singing like parrots on his behalf. For the records, England, where his lawyers come from, is not part of the neo-colonialist western powers conspiracy against Africa.

While citizen Uhuru was in the courtroom, the loyal brigade that accompanied him on this important journey, led by a renowned stuntman Hon. Mike Mbuvi sonko, ensured that they made a real spectacle, outside the ICC courts, enough to teach the Netherlands authorities an unforgettable lesson. After he was done with putting this monster in its place, the gallant son of the soil made a triumphant comeback into the country like no other witnessed on African soil in the recent past. This whole spectacle was fully covered by the competent Kenyan media right from the time he voluntarily handed over power to the time he regained it, in exactly 48 hours, up to the time his convoy of cars brought business, in Nairobi and its environs, to a standstill as it snaked through the city for the better part of the day.

Due to the huge success of the Jubilee government, all of a sudden, nobody in government sees any importance of a vibrant opposition in the country. None other than the president himself has been at the forefront in urging “Mandugu wake wa upinzani” to work with the current government. This move is a stroke of genius since if all opposition leaders crossed over to the government side, we couldn’t be hearing all this tiring noise about a “Chicken scandal” or even some idlers making noise about hard-working Kenyans who have sacrificed to build the economy by investing heavily in an idle piece of land in Karen,that nobody had come to claim! You see the good thing about the opposition working with the government is that, instead of making empty noises about who is eating “chicken”, all the mouths will be full of chicken and you know it is not good etiquette to speak while your mouth is full! After all how do you expect people who, for a very long time, were only used to “chai” to shout while eating chicken at the high-table?

COMMANDER IN CHIEF UHURU IN UNIFORM

Who is this still saying that this government is not working? Who has not seen the president in virtually every government paid-up commercial? Who has not seen him eat ordinary food with mere mortals? Who has not seen him play his role as commander-in-chief by donning his combat uniform once in a while? Who has not seen this sportsman donning rugby or football jerseys? And who has not seen him, as the country’s top CEO, in several high-powered meetings promising what the Jubilee government will do for Kenyans, almost two years since it came into office?
This government recently fired 12000 ghost workers! Even though we are yet to know who has been earning salaries on behalf of these ghosts isn’t this work in progress?

This government initiated a security program dubbed “Nyumba kumi” which has turned out to be very successful in combating crime in the country. Since Jubilee believes in numbers, one wonders the kind of success we are likely to see when this program is elevated to “Nyumba Ishirini” or even “Nyumba Arubaini.” If there is anybody who still doubts whether this government is working, to borrow the Deputy President William Samoei Ruto’s own words, I can only tell such people, “wee wacha bwana! Wacha hiyo mchezo bwana. Kwani serkali ni gani si ndio hii hapa?”
It will be unfair if we don’t give this government a tentative score sheet on at least three important areas as follows:

PR management and propaganda …………… 95%

Performance……………………………………………10%

Fulfillment of pre-election promises…………….5%

To be continued……

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